Cross-Strat: Stroking Your Spirit Cock

Look, I know its been a while. And I know that I can’t even begin to make that up. Let’s just say Big J has been caught up in some Big Trouble lately. But I will not *I can not* let that keep me from lengthening my penis.

With that in mind, I present you with our very next Cross-Strat: the Spirit Cock. But before you even think about raising your “Totem Pole,” you’ve got to open your Spirit Hole wide and fill it with rich experiences and new-age thinking.

1. Do Ayahuasca: Ayahuasca is an incredibly potent psychoactive “medicine” that will help set the atmosphere for the day. Sign up for any local Native Ayahuasca rituals you can find and arrive in style. They usually try to get you to do this whole cultural thing, but I’m pretty sure it’s OK to just take the drugs and leave; we’ve got peepee business to take care of.

2. Spirit Guide: Now that you’re hallucinating heavily, its about time for a “Spirit Encounter.” But first, this is where your “Spirit Guide” will join you. Never lose sight of your “Spirit Guide,” as his charge is to both guide and observe you. Confer with your “Spirit Guide” before making any decision.

3. Spirit Encounter: OK. Now that you’ve got your “Guide,” you are finally ready for an Interaction. Here, you must face your greatest Jelqing Fear in mental and literal combat. Walk the streets during the day in order to uncover your Spirit Foe (the physical manifestation of your weakness). At some point during this time be sure to loosen up with at least twenty-four warm beers. Once you spot your Foe, let him have it. Unleash your pent-up phallus frustration and live true to your Jelqsperation.

4. Quit Your Job: Storm into your place of employment and proudly declare your new purpose. Begin a fresh life on the streets as a common vagabond. Tip: Trick people into feeding you. It’s easier than you think.

5. Trial by Fire: Go to a porno theater and just plop down right next to somebody. Make certain that your “Spirit Guide” is present, as this will prove a most difficult trial indeed.

6. Meditation and Inner Knowledge: It is time now to look in and reveal the deepest truths. Enter a sensory deprivation tank and dive into your Spirit Hole. In order to make manifest your Spirit Cock, you must channel your life energy. Activate your Spirit Nodes, thus allowing the earth-mana to take phallus form. Ask your “Spirit Guide” for more information. Do whatever it takes. It may help to give yourself some encouragement. Ex. “I’m the best! I’m the best! Me! Me! Me! AAAAAAHHHH!” Wear old trophies from middle school, because you are still the second best speller in your entire grade.

7. Emerge: “And when you finally step through the fog, you will see The Way.” Your Spirit Cock has grown mighty and terrible.

8. Jelq: Just Jelq normally for about an hour. One mustn’t allow the spiritual to distract from the physical. You are rejuvenated.

Visual Aid

And what a refreshing few days it has been indeed! But alas, all spiritual experiences must eventually meet their end.  I'll see you Gandhi wannabees around later I guess.

-Big J