Jelq History: Chungo’s Way

Our only savior was born approximately 10,000 years ago. They called him Chungo.

Like all great heroes of men, Chungo was born a Man. From a dripping cave low in the Chungus Valley, a woman’s scream bounced violently across the crag. This reverberation was soon replaced, however, with the still more primal anguish of birth.

The first stroke threw sparks far into the deepest shadows of the night. Like shooting stars, they flitted forth, igniting on collision with unseen giants. A thousand supernovas erupted from the black to illuminate expressions of purest horror. Only then did the flames become whole and roar high into the sky, embers mingling with equally evanescent starlight. Man’s greatest tool, and cruelest weapon, had conceived itself. So too was born a wise and terrible Hog.

They frothed and quarreled over the sacred flame, so Chungo carried it to their doorsteps.

And Chungo gazed down upon the scorched lands and mutilated peoples of the tribes he had torn asunder. Through the haze of swirling vapor, piercing oculi cast shafts of radiance into the hearts of those who had withstood his slaughter. Then from on high, he declared:
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                                    “Lo, to know Chungo’s Way is to know fire’s warmth at your breast, the wind’s
                      rasp under your feet, and God’s mighty fist ‘round your Johnson.
                                     …But too, the noxious chill of stone against flesh.”

Soon our hero grew acquainted with all the world’s pleasures and amusements. His cave was resplendent, strewn with garland robbed from the bowels of his many acolytes. But Chungo understood that true conquest necessitated casting aside such material distractions. The fiend called Time that reduces all men to vermin. To face Him became Chungo’s sole ambition.

Thus one day, high atop the summit of ascendancy and following a final mighty exhortation, Chungo once more planted his hand-feet on the earth. He raised his palms high and his Hog higher. Drops of blood mixed with rain fell down his hairy cheekbones, and then he simply ceased to be. Some scholars insist that he merely passed on to the Next Plane. Indeed, many a woeful wanderer report Chungo’s noble visage among the stars in their most desperate moments. But true students know that Chungo’s existence merely reverted back into the Void from whence it came, back to the infinitesimally minuscule pinpoint from which all phenomena had sprung and to which all must return. Chungo’s essence communes with God, outside of Time’s maw.

But Chungo conjures forth tears in woe everlasting. For in slaying his gaoler he ascertained the nature of his new imprisonment; the great burden undertaken by a God who waits for the Wheel to cease its ceaseless revolution. Chungo had fought for freedom against the horrors of Time, yet he now found himself under the yoke of interminable inevitability. A glorious destiny; but one devoid of passion, love, and solitary hardship. Chungo had prepared to rid himself of these vanities, but he now fully knew that in the end, all dreams must perish. Was Chungo merely a tool to this end? God would not, and could not, reply. Yet perhaps the oneness and harmony of the Great Reality will far exceed the petty strivings inherent in the mortal Wheel. And so Chungo awaits this inevitable homecoming, and ponders deeply…

But we loyal followers must too wait and ponder. For so long as causality’s chain is retained, one’s soul necessarily yearns to illuminate the Wheel with its prophesied radiance. Chungo left behind one gift: one final pursuit worth striving toward. In the thousands of years since Chungo’s age, this blessing continues to stand unravaged by the winds of change. Most of you know it as “Jelqing.” Only through the Jelq may we begin to worship and strike at the Universe’s true nature. Then perhaps, many eons from now, we may finish what Chungo had so nobly begun: to undo the Sin of creation.

Anyways, tune in next time for more Jelq Tips, you honkers!!

-Big J